Relationship Counselling Temecula. Over the past twenty years there's been targeted attention on the importance of emotional intelligence and remaining connected. The conjecture is that the greater the emotional intelligence of the couples relationship, the more successful the relationship. Emotional intelligence is a predictor of the "good enough" connection the couple has. What's really engaging about connection/attachment is it's a sustaining force in our life from birth to death. It increases our chances of surviving and having longevity over time. It is also the very first thing in our committed love relationships to misfire. It may look like complacency or emotional and social disengagement within the couple.
Divorce statistics in America are astonishing. In first unions it is 50%, in 2nd weddings it is 67% and 3rd weddings it is 73%. Given these statistical numbers, it would sound correct that if you have got a satisfactory relationship you would like to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it might be smart to keep your wedding or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet what number of us do this? In my 30 years of expertise in working with couples it has been very unusual to see a couple present for treatment in the initial stages of conjugal or relationship discordance. It is more the norm to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much trouble that it can't be ignored any more.
According to famous therapist Doctor. John Gottman, who has spent 20 and years researching relationships, the first sign of a turbulent couple is when there are way more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist's goal is to help the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns. This is done thru having the ability to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The 2nd indicator that suggests there is a problem is "nothing is ok" syndrome. It is when everything you do is being reviewed and criticized by your partner. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Dr. Gottman refers to as the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." The 4 markers of this second factor are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The therapist's goal here is to teach the couple new techniques of connecting with one another.
The 3rd dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is commonly known as emotional disengagement. This can appear as a marked shortage of sharing in the couple, marked by low affection, humor, demonstration of interest in one another, excitement, playfulness, contentment, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist's goal here is to proffer the withdrawal must end.
The fourth indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a neglecting to repair those conflicts. The purpose of treatment here should be not on conflict avoidance just to help couples towards conflict resolution by increasing their skill base in communication. This is accomplished by helping them to repair distressing/indignant feelings. Couples need help to learn how to process their feelings in ways that support the relationship.
The fifth indicator has to do with what is known in psychology as "projection." This is a defensive mechanism whereby the individual fails to see their own errors and attributes all negative mess ups/traits to their partner. What's especially engaging about this is that at the beginning of a relationship it is completely opposite. The individual will attribute more positive endowments/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that happens over a period of time in dysfunctional relationships that changes this dynamic? According to the analysis it is the erosion of the comradeship, the basis of the relationship that begins to go downhill over time. the antidote to this is to reconstruct the closeness, as this is the source of the source of the relationship's strength.
The 6th indicator is shutdown due to prolonged unresolved issues/debates. Issues overpower the couple and this leads on to fight or run in all relations, not only committed relationships. The explanation for this is that our physical arousal system is present. It is like being in a continued state of raised nervousness; with increased pulse rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of lingering tension clouds our ability to listen and make decisions. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physical arousal and then learn stress-reducing strategies as well as self and other calming systems, which may enable them to be more present with one another. The goal is to extend productive dialoguing between the couple to promote problem fixing.
In summing up, a couple needs to stay aware, mindful, frolicsome, and compassionate with each other. Replenishing fellowship and learning new or forgotten ways of engaging with each other promote a good relationship.
Divorce statistics in America are astonishing. In first unions it is 50%, in 2nd weddings it is 67% and 3rd weddings it is 73%. Given these statistical numbers, it would sound correct that if you have got a satisfactory relationship you would like to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it might be smart to keep your wedding or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet what number of us do this? In my 30 years of expertise in working with couples it has been very unusual to see a couple present for treatment in the initial stages of conjugal or relationship discordance. It is more the norm to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much trouble that it can't be ignored any more.
According to famous therapist Doctor. John Gottman, who has spent 20 and years researching relationships, the first sign of a turbulent couple is when there are way more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist's goal is to help the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns. This is done thru having the ability to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The 2nd indicator that suggests there is a problem is "nothing is ok" syndrome. It is when everything you do is being reviewed and criticized by your partner. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Dr. Gottman refers to as the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." The 4 markers of this second factor are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The therapist's goal here is to teach the couple new techniques of connecting with one another.
The 3rd dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is commonly known as emotional disengagement. This can appear as a marked shortage of sharing in the couple, marked by low affection, humor, demonstration of interest in one another, excitement, playfulness, contentment, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist's goal here is to proffer the withdrawal must end.
The fourth indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a neglecting to repair those conflicts. The purpose of treatment here should be not on conflict avoidance just to help couples towards conflict resolution by increasing their skill base in communication. This is accomplished by helping them to repair distressing/indignant feelings. Couples need help to learn how to process their feelings in ways that support the relationship.
The fifth indicator has to do with what is known in psychology as "projection." This is a defensive mechanism whereby the individual fails to see their own errors and attributes all negative mess ups/traits to their partner. What's especially engaging about this is that at the beginning of a relationship it is completely opposite. The individual will attribute more positive endowments/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that happens over a period of time in dysfunctional relationships that changes this dynamic? According to the analysis it is the erosion of the comradeship, the basis of the relationship that begins to go downhill over time. the antidote to this is to reconstruct the closeness, as this is the source of the source of the relationship's strength.
The 6th indicator is shutdown due to prolonged unresolved issues/debates. Issues overpower the couple and this leads on to fight or run in all relations, not only committed relationships. The explanation for this is that our physical arousal system is present. It is like being in a continued state of raised nervousness; with increased pulse rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of lingering tension clouds our ability to listen and make decisions. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physical arousal and then learn stress-reducing strategies as well as self and other calming systems, which may enable them to be more present with one another. The goal is to extend productive dialoguing between the couple to promote problem fixing.
In summing up, a couple needs to stay aware, mindful, frolicsome, and compassionate with each other. Replenishing fellowship and learning new or forgotten ways of engaging with each other promote a good relationship.
About the Author:
Linda Comin practices relationship counseling in Temecula, CA. She will be able to found at Psychological consultant Temecula.
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